I'm 21 going on 12.
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Have you ever had someone say something about you that can cut straight down to the core? Sometimes it’s because you really care what they think, but other times it’s just because they know you well.
I hope you’re happy, I really do. I’ve always wanted the best for you. I don’t think you hope the same for me. I don’t know if you’re still upset about what happened but I still hold that I made the right choice for both of us.
But sometimes, late at night or when I’m alone, I think about things that you’ve said about me. Things that you’ve said online, and things you’ve had the audacity to say to MY friends about me. And in that moment I hope you never find happiness. I hope that when you lay at home at night, all comfy in your bed (maybe with the dog that you’ve raised oh so perfectly), that you hear those small voices in your head. The ones that remind you of every hateful, spiteful thing you’ve ever said. I hope that those voices never relent, that your conscience is never clear. I hope you hear your own words repeated back at you, and I hope you feel regret. I hope you think of every time you used a threat of suicide as manipulation. I hope you think of every lie that you’ve told, maybe some you believe yourself. And I hope it never stops.
I want you to be happy, I do. But I never want you to forget every awful thing you did.
Not that you’ll ever admit any of it. Everything always was and always will be my fault.
In the past (days, weeks, years. I don’t know, they all sort of blur together. Individually, they sting, but as a whole they hurt like hell) I have been made to feel like I am mean, hateful, dirty, pointless, useless, unhelpful, ungrateful. I’ve been made to feel like a burden, a bother, unwanted. In the past, I have been made to feel like I shouldn’t have friends. I’ve felt like I don’t matter because I’m not (cant be? wont be? not trying to be?) good enough for someone else.
I don’t hold grudges. Well, not really. It would be easy to say that I forgive and forget, but I don’t. I’ve always kind of thought that was stupid. I don’t forget. I move on, though. When things get better, I don’t really even think about the things my family and friends have told me, told others about me, or how they’ve made me feel.
I’m not sixteen anymore, I’m an adult now. What I mean, I guess, is that I have matured. Some people I know have not. They’re still gossipy as ever. I’m not really affected by someone talking about me behind my back when I know that they are doing the same thing about everyone else. Nothing to feel special about, really.
I have been dumped completely, as a friend and as more, and have always been willing and welcoming if the person chose to come back to me. Open arms, forgiven and moved on. I’ll even take the exact same shit from the exact same people over and over again. I’m always optimistic that it will be better that time. Usually it isn’t, but such is life I guess.
When attacked, physically or verbally though I don’t have much experience with the former, I attack back in anger. I don’t usually mean to say the things I do, to taunt or push, but in the long term I’m the one who is quick to forgive and move on. I’m not the type of person to really sit and dwell on things. I just stop thinking about it and then I’m not mad, sad, hurt anymore.
Sometimes, though not often, I feel all of it. All of it at once and individually at the same time. Everything that’s ever been said to me or about me by my friends or my family. It’s at those times that I don’t really know how to handle things. I get sad, angry, hurt. But again, I stop thinking about it after a while and then it’s better and I’m ready to take everything new that they have to say.
I don’t know to be good enough, clean enough, helpful enough, grateful enough, nice enough. I don’t know how to be enough. I’ll never be enough. So I’ll be me, take it or leave it. Don’t mistake my attitude or the things that I say or do for malice, they’re not malicious or hateful. I can guarantee, I never have the thought, “omg such and such is totally going to hate/be upset by me doing this. TOTALLY DOING IT JUST FOR THAT REASON!” I just don’t think like that. I know some people don’t approve of things that I do, and I continue to do them, but its not out of spite. It’s just that they don’t approve of something I want to do, and since when has that been so horrible?